Shall my brain explode now Helix?

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   So today, before I do my artist of the day, I thought I would share some thoughts and concerns on my own writing. To say the least the last four months have been a learning experience, a long rode with corners you don’t see until they are right smack in your face. So what have I done about them, learned from them, its all I can do. I have been stuck on the same flippen prologue and first four chapters of my novel. Every time I learn something new, or get told on one of the writer forums I joined hey “you suck” in more words, I go back and rewrite and rewrite again. Don’t get me wrong, there are many who praise my ability, one who is accomplished but in a different category then I write (she shale remain nameless for respect) said I have a natural talent. I knew there was a lot for me to discover when I dived into the deep head first, eyes closed. I am no fool, I know not every person who reads what I have to offer will fall in love (Is it to much to ask people have manners though). I have had people who have never been published tell me my work is crap and I shouldn’t post a thing until I know what I am doing, this of course was around two months ago give or take. Granted I have learned even more since then, thanks to naysayers telling me I can’t be a writer I get more determined to prove them wrong, its part of who I am. I started writing poetry in elementary school, making comics in middle, and by the time I was 16 wanted to write my first novel. My attentions laid elsewhere so it was put on a back burner keeping worm until the day would come. My life is full, I have three boys, the oldest is 8 and can do most things on his own, but my younger two are only almost three and almost two (yes only one year and one week apart to the day). I am not complaining only stating a simple fact, they take a lot of time and care, leaving little time for my self. But I couldn’t wait any longer to begin writing, the smell’s constant wafting at my brain proved to enticing. I am a passionate person, mostly about my family and art. Writing is art, to paint a world with words is a beautiful thing. I take it just as passionately as I do my actual painting (though I have little time for that, and stopped for 5 years) I never stopped loving it. So now I take a risk, I loose my self in life some times and don’t write for days on end, but it never stops terning in my mind. So with all this I set my self to improve, to tune out those who would put me down, and focus on what I know to be truth. What else am I to do but continue on the path I have chosen with glee. I love writing, seeing my characters and style develop as I improve. I have rewritten my prologue and first chapter for the last time until my first draft is done. rewriting so much I feel as if my wheels have been spinning but I never move.

 

Today I will share the rewrite of my first chapter.  Please as my readers be honest with me. Tell me what you think, rather you love it or hate it, or something in between. Honesty and being polite is all I ever ask. I have only been doing this for four months so I know there is more for me to learn, and that’s ok, I will fix when I finish the first draft and I know more, that is all I can do at this point without going mad.

 

Helix

Chapter one

   My name is Sora, I was born the day the doors opened. My birthday goes unnoticed every year except by one person, my best friend Jessie. Which is fine with me. This year I turn 18, no matter what happens I know I have a job to do. Take my father’s place and lead our kind into battle for the future of all. My uncle has kept my position until now, but he will pay for his crimes.

   I feel a light tap on my shoulder, spinning around to see who it is. Its Jessie. She raps her arms around my waist. I rest my chin on her head, her hair tickling my neck. She knows I’m in a bad mood. Jessie is a healer, a empath.

   She could read me like an open book even if she wasn’t an empath. “Whats wrong? Tomorrow is a happy day. You should be smiling.”

   “I’m thinking about tomorrow. I will be 18 finally I’ll be taking over Helix from my uncle. It should have been my father, and not so soon.”

   My stomach terns as music starts to ring through the crowd, and the leader of our ‘fine’ city begins his speech. This week is the festival that is thrown every year in celebration of the day the door opened, the day our thousand year imprisonment underground ended. The day I was born. Tomorrow is the start of the celebrations. For one week the humans and the mutants will get along a little better, the crime rate will lower a little bit, and people will be seemingly happy. But at the end of the week when all the brightly colored decorations come down, and the shops prices go back up, everything and everyone will go back to normal. The hole thing is like a week long bandage that gets ripped off just to find the wound is festering underneath.

   Most humans and mutants don’t get along. The humans feel like we mutants are unnatural. Like we aren’t meant to exist. Its bin speculated that somehow radiation seeped into the colony and contaminated the bloodlines, but no one really knows why we are this way. Mutants and humans alike have died because of harbored hatred. Its one of the reasons why my grate, grate, grate grandfather created Helix. To try and bring some order to the mutants, rules for us all to live by. Very little has changed, but I hope to find a way to bring us all together. Little separates us, if I can make them see that then things could start to get better. I know it will take time, but there are others on both sides willing to help me make it a reality.

   Washington city square is packed. We call it that because Washington is the name on the door, the only word at all on the door, now worn and barley readable. The door was everything for a long time to the people of this city. I have been told it shook the hole colony when the door finale opened. Letting out this loud wine as if the door felt pain as it unlocked and opened. A long winding and broken down staircase lead to the surface. They worked there way up reappearing it as they went. It took months to get to the top, and even then they had to chip away at the packed soil that covered the opening to the outside world. One of the few times humans and mutants worked together for a common goal.

   Jessie and I are siting on the statue in the middle of the square, surrounded by humans and mutants alike. My attenuation drifts as my eyes do, over to the words carved on the base of the statue. Worn and barely visible they read “with hard work and hope in our hearts we will make it through the darkness to the light.” In smaller letters there is something written below it, unreadable words that no longer have meaning. The statue is cracked and worn, small chunks missing, patches cover its once smooth and polished surface. The statue stands tall in the shape of a willow tree. Sleeping beneath its branches is a family and their two pets. The children’s pail little faces hold no emotion, not even a glimmer of life. The cat is curled up on the little girls lap, her hand gently laid on it’s back, comforting the girl in her never ending sleep. The dog is at his masters feet. His head up and ears perked, like he is waiting for something coming out of the shadows. Almost like he could see what the future held for his family. The mother and father hold there children tight as they gaze into each others eyes. There expressions frightened and somber. A small tear trickling down the mother’s cheek forever frozen in time. Is it for the uncertain life ahead? Knowing they would never see the sun, or have wind cores their skin on a spring day again. Life would hold a hole new meaning for them underground.

   Most people love the statue. “Its a cymbal of hope,” they have said. To me its like a grave marker, a reminder of how human kind drove themselves underground and shattered the world as they knew it.

   “You have that look in your eyes again. The one where you drift of into space.” Jessie whispers, bringing me back to the here and now.

   “Sorry Jessie.” she knows everything, I never need to explain my self around her.

   “We have time for that, lets just have a good time this week. At least tonight, tomorrow night is far enough away.”

   “You are right Jessie, as usual. What do you want to do when this joke is over?” Just as I say the words I am interrupted by something familiar feeling. A rough and hard signature, like its owner. “Jessie, it’s Rex.”

   “I could tell by that look. Where is he?” Jessie asked me as she spins around to see if he is near. But I haven’t pinpointed him yet.

   In silence and darkness I search for him. Rex is a trouble maker. A bully using his powers to pick on normal people and weaker mutants. He and I don’t get along very well to say the least. He wants me to be with him, but I don’t get it. Rex is one of my uncle’s pets, but he has trouble controlling him. He is definitely my uncle’s most powerful and unpredictable fighter.

   “I found him, He is about seventy feet back and to the left of me. Give or take… In between two buildings I think… There are two other guys with him, and two girls… The girls are human Jessie. We have to stop him.” Close to her ear, as quiet as I can I whisper all this. No need to alarm any one when I can handle it quietly. Rex really should know better by now though.

   “Ready?” Jessie whispers so softly I didn’t even hear her, but her lips said it for her.

   “Lets go.” we walk slowly in his direction. The closer I get to him the stronger his signal. Turning the corner he can see us coming down the darkened ally way. My hands glowing hot with anger. His palms are pressed flat on the building in front of him, trapping one of the human girls. The other two are shoving the petite one back and forth, taking terns groping her body. Her clothing tares as she struggles against them. Rex looks right at me, locking his eyes to mine. A smile slowly spreads on his face as he raps one hand around the girl’s neck. I push a wave of energy in there direction, but he ignores my warning. The other two freeze and the girl stumbles back from her attackers. She just stands there awkwardly waiting for her friend. Watching with tears in her eyes. Rex squeezes tighter on the teen’s fragile flesh, his smile growing ever wider. Pounding my feet against the pavement gaining momentum I land on his back with a jolting thud.

   The flesh of his chest gives and then hardens resisting the press of my legs. His skin is rough against my arm, scraping on its way around his neck, pulling his head back. I slide my right hand on to his face, letting the heat flow from every pore of my palm. Struggling to control the heat of my body, concentrating on just that one point.

   “You want to tell me what you think you are doing. Let go of the girl.”

   “Do you know what you are doing, you aren’t commander yet. Maybe you never will be.”

   I jerk my arm that’s rapped tightly around his neck, with little effect. His rock hard exterior won’t give to my feminine stature. My blazing core pores out my body, heat rising from every inch of skin. Slowly he lets go of the girl. I won’t let go of him just yet, I’m not through with him.

   “So you think you can threaten me. You don’t stand a chance against me. Now answer. what gives you the right to pick on humans?” His skin is turning red under my hot flesh. His muscles tense, jaw locking in his cry of pain.

   The heat in my body is pulsing, wavering. I can’t keep it up much longer. Fire is one of the harder powers to control, it’s different for each individual. Now that I can manifest it I can learn to control it. But that’s not helping me now.

   “There will be a time for this my beautiful and deadly woman, but today is not the day.” He said with such lust in is voice, a chill ran down my spine in disgust.

   I propel my self off his back to stand in front of him. To close, close enough to smell his rancid breath. “I suggest you and you’re scum lackeys go back to you’re master and leave the humans alone.”

   “One day sexy, you and I will see who is stronger. When that day comes you will change your mind and be with me.” I barley have time to move as he leans in to kiss me.

   Planting his face in the cement wall clutching a handful of his long greasy black hair, I whisper in his ear. “Don’t think for one moment you can touch me in passion. The only way you will feel my skin is as I burn yours. I will never love you.”

   I toss his head as I release him. His nose drips red from the force of my blow. Yet lust covers his face, eyes aflame with passion. As much as I hate the thought I would rather have him lust after me then want to kill me. Even if my uncle where to order him to, I don’t think he would have the hart.

   The girls are long gone by this point. I saunter in Jessie’s direction, snatching up my bag I dropped when I bonded toward Rex. He is still just standing there, blood dripping to the ground. His lackeys shake as they reach to help him. The air cracks with his fist and they fall. He watches me leave in silence.

   “Always impressive Sora. I can’t believe you can move like that, you have been training very hard. After you give a demonstration for the council your position will be written in stone. Not even your uncle will be able to sway there minds. Are you sure Rex hasn’t told him of your strengths?” she gives me a uneasy smile, she fears for me, for my plans.

   “He may have, but I don’t think so. My uncle hasn’t shown any sines of knowing. And Rex wants me for himself, he wouldn’t jeopardize his courting me for even my uncle. It plays in our favor. After tomorrow it won’t mater any way.” Stuffing my hands in my pockets we walk out of the narrow space. My body still cooling.

   It was once told that a war would come lead by a man of grate strength and evil, he will seek to destroy all humans and any mutants that dare appose him. He would spread his evil over the new world. As commander it will be me standing in his way, as soon as we find out the who, and when part. This grate evil could be Rex, but there are several other people in Helix that it could be, not to mention all the other colonies. But for now my training must continue, I have to get stronger.

   “I guess we will see. Still want to go and do something Jessie?”

   “Yeah. What do you have in mind?”

   “Dinner maybe.” We walk off before the gathering is over.

   As we walk I feel something strange, an energy signature I don’t recognize. Its out of place here. Someone I don’t know? But I know everyone in Helix, in one form or another. It’s gone, just like that, as quickly as it came without a trace. Could who ever it was hide their energy? No, no one has been able to do that with me. All I got was the person is strong, very strong. I will have to keep a look out.

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About artfulhelix

I'm a mother to three beautiful boys, 8 years, 2 years, and 1 year old, all there birthdays in April with mine (very busy month). I am a wife to a wonderful man who supports every thing I want to do. I have 10 piercings and 11 tattoos, more tattoos coming soon. I am an artist, painting, tattooing, sculpting (haven't done that for a long time), poetry, and a few small crafts. As an artist I felt writing was the next logical step for me. I am enjoying every minute of it, writing, blogging (never thought I would blog), and critiquing. I not only want to talk about my book and the writing proses, but art in general in my blog. I would like to share a poem I wrote a few years ago, but is so me. I came up with it when a very old woman came up to me on the side walk and said " Do you know you are going to hell?" laughing a little inside I said "No, why am I going to hell?" "Because you have desecrated the lords temple with all your piercings and tattoos!" She looks so serious when she said this. I said "I'm not desecrating, I'm decorating!" well that made her mad of course, and she stomped off. later I wrote this: You look at me that way in disgust and disdain I’m pierced and tattooed I must be insane But who are you to judge when you kneel down and pray Just because our beliefs are not the same We are not so different you and I for we are all the same when we die This is nothing against religion, merely about judgment in general. Can't wait to share more of what I love and who I am.

10 responses »

  1. Pingback: Girls Who Write Boys Who Dig Boys Who Like Girls « kimbervale

  2. Pingback: I beg on my knees, need comments! « artfulhelix

  3. I saw your plea for comments, so I thought I’d try to give your first chapter a quick read before I sign off for a few hours. I have a few impressions I can share, as a writer who found that the blogging community helped me to sharpen my skills.

    It’s difficult to read writing that has a lot of misspellings in it, and it’s hard to get some people to continue reading the work when they see that. It’s not too cool to ask your readers to help you spell check it. You want them to experience and enjoy the story, not feel like they’re working. There may be some free online sites that can help a person develop their spelling skills so you won’t have to worry so much when spell-check is down. Maybe you can google some and see what you find. This is one of a writer’s tools. You want to have good tools.

    Also, you might want to look into finding a writer’s group in your area, or one that’s online. It’s good to find a reciprocal environment where they critique each other’s work. The goal is for each member to get feedback in a supportive way.

    I also found Walter Mosely’s book, “This Year You Write Your Novel” to be very helpful for me because his advice is clear (with examples) and the book isn’t too long or hard to read.

    As for your story, I can tell it’s very imaginative and that you know your characters. Your writing just needs focus to bring clarity and excitement to your reader. With each section, with each sentence, you want to make sure you know exactly what you’re trying to say. You want to construct your sentences carefully to build the story so your reader doesn’t get lost in a way that’s confusing. It’s common for writers to sometimes turn sentences around, stretch them out or chop them off, while they figure out what sounds right, and what gets the point across best.

    Before I go, I just want to mention something about dialogue: When you re-read your dialogue during the editing process from chapter to chapter, think about how you and your friends talk. Like, do you use contractions? For example: If you don’t want your characters to use them because in the world you’re writing about no one does, then you have to find a way to make it clear to your readers without a character saying, “We do not use contractions.” (You want to ‘show’ it — make it so your reader knows it somehow without you ‘telling’ it. Maybe just through consistency.That’s what instructors mean by “Show, don’t Tell.”

    If you don’t care if your characters use contractions, then remember to write their dialogue in the way people actually talk. It might help to say the dialogue before you right it down, like you were actually talking to someone. I do that a lot myself.

    I wish I could spend more time, but I’ve got to go. I hope I’ve been able to help in some way. Take care.

    • Thank you for taking the time.

      I do use two forms of spell check. But I know some times I miss something, that’s why I said if they see something and they want to they can say so. I get some words spelled correctly, but its means something else, partially my spell check.

      Unfortunately I have no writers group close enough to go to. I have joined forums, but they don’t always do the trick.

      I hate to say it but the rest was a little confusing. if you get another chance to elaborate, I would appreciate it (that way I know what exactly you meant), but if not I understand.

      Thank you again. I am looking the book up. Have a good day.

      • You’re very welcome. I only wish I had been more help. I understand how spell check can be a double edged sword when there is more than one correct spelling for words that are pronounced the same way. That’s why good spelling is such an important tool for a writer to have.

        I was wondering if you meant the word “Shale” in your title to be “Shall”? These words have two very different meanings. If you strengthened your spelling, it would be easier for you to catch mispellings on your own.

        The rest of what I tried to say is about some of the other tools writers need. Many people think writing isn’t as much work as it is. But it’s a lot of work, and a writer’s work is very personal and close to the heart. I’ve practiced and studied hard at it, and I’m still a little sad when people find flaws in my work. It’s best when a beginner can afford a class with a teacher who can give more individualized feedback.

        I read the last comment you wrote. I’m glad you found a copy of Mosley’s book. I loved it. It should be very helpful.

        I may have thought of a way I can try to help, if you would like. I’d be willing to take the time to help you as much as I can with a few very short pieces, like writing exercises. That way I hope I can share what I know, without it being about the novel that is so close to your heart.

        Many of my 100 word stories come from a writing prompt, one I find online or make up in my head. For instance, a prompt could be a sentence like, “I couldn’t help thinking this way.” If you write a 300 word story that comes to your mind from that sentence, or another prompt, I’d be willing to tell you what I think of it. I’ll try to be polite and kind, but I’ll explain anything that works and anything that doesn’t work in it. If you want to try this, you’ll find my email address at the bottom of my blog page.

        We can do this on your blog, so others can comment too, or by email just between us. You can simply email me when you’re ready, and tell me to come back to your blog to read it, or cut and paste it into the body of your email.

        I wish you all the best. Writing is such a hard job. I hope you find all the support you need.

      • Thankfully I knew from the start it was going to be hard work. Just like every other task I have put to my self its work.
        I have managed to improve my spelling a lot, especially in the 4 months I have bin working on this. I only get to work on it a few times a week, I wish I could do more. I did look into taking an online class but with three kids its to much to do or afford, so that’s not an option for me 😦
        I know sometimes I do over react when someone points something out I didn’t see, or think they are wrong about. So I understand what you mean about it being very personal.
        I really like your idea. I will send you an email so you have mine to. But I don’t see why I can’t post them on here, Some of my readers have said they would like to see more of my work, so it may not be a bad idea to do it that way. First I want to finish reading the book, I had to much on my plat to read today. According to the book I am doing a no no, writing in first person for my first novel, but the book feels right that way, I want my readers in her head. I definitely have a lot to think about. But I will get back to you as soon as I can. I already have a small online publisher that asked to see my manuscript when I finished it, they even asked me to be one of their bloggers.
        Thank you so much. I don’t have any one else who can help me in this way, So I hope you know how much this means to me.

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