Rewrite and Rewright again

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I have bin working hard on my book Helix, rewriting and rewriting again. I redid my first chapter, which had no dialog at all. The rewrite terned out well and its better, only its still all explanatory. Before I have finished with the rewrite of my first chapter keeping  with the theme I started with, telling the reader what happened to get the story to this point i.e. the war, I decided to take some of the advice I was given and write the first chapter with dialog and show instead of tell. At this point I am happy with this rewrite, I have changed some major parts of my book, but in doing so I have added so much as well. I have conflict where before there was none, the new first chapter just works better then the old one. I want to share part of that rewrite with you, so here it goes:

“Ready?” Jessie whispers even softer then I had.

“Lets go.” we walk in his direction. He can see us coming, looking right at me he smiles and raps his hand around one of the girl’s neck. I sent out a pulse of energy as a warning and he tightened his grip. Picking up my pace I slip behind him one arm around his throat and my legs constricting his chest. I’m lighter therefore faster, and flexible two.   I take my right hand and place it on his face, I start to tern up the heat. “You want to tell me what you think you are doing. Let go of the girl.” I don’t play games.

“Do you know what you are doing, you aren’t commander yet, maybe never will be.” I make my grip a little tighter and he lets go of the girl, I won’t let go yet though.

“So you think you can threaten me. You don’t stand a chance against me.” His skin is turning red under my hand, soon I will burn his flesh to the point of scaring, right now it’s only like a sun burn.

“There will be a time for that my beautiful and deadly woman.” He said with such lust in is voice, a chill ran down my spine in disgust.   Removing my hand I flip off of his back with my hands on his shoulders to stand in front of him.

“I suggest you and you’re scum lackeys go back to master and leave the humans alone.”

“Yes of course, but one day sexy you and I will see who is stronger.” They walk away, the girls are long gone by this point. That Rex is disgusting and a pig, He hates humans. I can’t stand to be around him, and I swear he picks some of these fights with me. I have never done a thing to make him think I feel any thing but contempt for him, still he thinks we have some kind of chemistry.

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About artfulhelix

I'm a mother to three beautiful boys, 8 years, 2 years, and 1 year old, all there birthdays in April with mine (very busy month). I am a wife to a wonderful man who supports every thing I want to do. I have 10 piercings and 11 tattoos, more tattoos coming soon. I am an artist, painting, tattooing, sculpting (haven't done that for a long time), poetry, and a few small crafts. As an artist I felt writing was the next logical step for me. I am enjoying every minute of it, writing, blogging (never thought I would blog), and critiquing. I not only want to talk about my book and the writing proses, but art in general in my blog. I would like to share a poem I wrote a few years ago, but is so me. I came up with it when a very old woman came up to me on the side walk and said " Do you know you are going to hell?" laughing a little inside I said "No, why am I going to hell?" "Because you have desecrated the lords temple with all your piercings and tattoos!" She looks so serious when she said this. I said "I'm not desecrating, I'm decorating!" well that made her mad of course, and she stomped off. later I wrote this: You look at me that way in disgust and disdain I’m pierced and tattooed I must be insane But who are you to judge when you kneel down and pray Just because our beliefs are not the same We are not so different you and I for we are all the same when we die This is nothing against religion, merely about judgment in general. Can't wait to share more of what I love and who I am.

2 responses »

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