Rewritten lullaby

This is the ending to chapter two for Helix. I have posted it before, but I have rewritten the lullaby and would like to hear what others think.

 Walking to my room my anticipation starts to bubble over. Jessie will meat me in my room. It was my father’s and mother’s room. I can remember going into their room at night after having a bad dream. My surroundings dark and daunting. I felt like the shadows would reach out and grab me. Pull me away to some far away evil place. I would stand in the door way silently watching them sleep. My father would wake up and motion for me to come over. Climbing into bed with them felt worm and safe. Like nothing could hurt me. I would snuggle in between them. My father always smelled like a cool breeze and flowers. He smelled like the outside world, a place I had not been to. On these nights he would sing a lullaby for me. A lullaby he wrote when I was only a few moths old.
The new world awaits
tomorrow a brand new day
but tonight I walk
with you in my thoughts
The moon hangs high
the stars how they shine
on this perfect cloudless night
Now close your eyes
imagine the outside
not a shadow in site
listen to my voice
know you are safe
one day I will take you
to see this place

I would fall asleep instantly every time. I find it comforting to sleep in their room. To snuggle up with their blanket. I feel like they are there with me, holding me. If I can’t fall asleep I sing my lullaby. He wrote that just for me, when I was only two months old. My father spent a lot of time out side, it was his way of telling me what he could see.

Rewrite and Rewright again

I have bin working hard on my book Helix, rewriting and rewriting again. I redid my first chapter, which had no dialog at all. The rewrite terned out well and its better, only its still all explanatory. Before I have finished with the rewrite of my first chapter keeping  with the theme I started with, telling the reader what happened to get the story to this point i.e. the war, I decided to take some of the advice I was given and write the first chapter with dialog and show instead of tell. At this point I am happy with this rewrite, I have changed some major parts of my book, but in doing so I have added so much as well. I have conflict where before there was none, the new first chapter just works better then the old one. I want to share part of that rewrite with you, so here it goes:

“Ready?” Jessie whispers even softer then I had.

“Lets go.” we walk in his direction. He can see us coming, looking right at me he smiles and raps his hand around one of the girl’s neck. I sent out a pulse of energy as a warning and he tightened his grip. Picking up my pace I slip behind him one arm around his throat and my legs constricting his chest. I’m lighter therefore faster, and flexible two.   I take my right hand and place it on his face, I start to tern up the heat. “You want to tell me what you think you are doing. Let go of the girl.” I don’t play games.

“Do you know what you are doing, you aren’t commander yet, maybe never will be.” I make my grip a little tighter and he lets go of the girl, I won’t let go yet though.

“So you think you can threaten me. You don’t stand a chance against me.” His skin is turning red under my hand, soon I will burn his flesh to the point of scaring, right now it’s only like a sun burn.

“There will be a time for that my beautiful and deadly woman.” He said with such lust in is voice, a chill ran down my spine in disgust.   Removing my hand I flip off of his back with my hands on his shoulders to stand in front of him.

“I suggest you and you’re scum lackeys go back to master and leave the humans alone.”

“Yes of course, but one day sexy you and I will see who is stronger.” They walk away, the girls are long gone by this point. That Rex is disgusting and a pig, He hates humans. I can’t stand to be around him, and I swear he picks some of these fights with me. I have never done a thing to make him think I feel any thing but contempt for him, still he thinks we have some kind of chemistry.