Rewritten lullaby

This is the ending to chapter two for Helix. I have posted it before, but I have rewritten the lullaby and would like to hear what others think.

 Walking to my room my anticipation starts to bubble over. Jessie will meat me in my room. It was my father’s and mother’s room. I can remember going into their room at night after having a bad dream. My surroundings dark and daunting. I felt like the shadows would reach out and grab me. Pull me away to some far away evil place. I would stand in the door way silently watching them sleep. My father would wake up and motion for me to come over. Climbing into bed with them felt worm and safe. Like nothing could hurt me. I would snuggle in between them. My father always smelled like a cool breeze and flowers. He smelled like the outside world, a place I had not been to. On these nights he would sing a lullaby for me. A lullaby he wrote when I was only a few moths old.
The new world awaits
tomorrow a brand new day
but tonight I walk
with you in my thoughts
The moon hangs high
the stars how they shine
on this perfect cloudless night
Now close your eyes
imagine the outside
not a shadow in site
listen to my voice
know you are safe
one day I will take you
to see this place

I would fall asleep instantly every time. I find it comforting to sleep in their room. To snuggle up with their blanket. I feel like they are there with me, holding me. If I can’t fall asleep I sing my lullaby. He wrote that just for me, when I was only two months old. My father spent a lot of time out side, it was his way of telling me what he could see.

Lullaby for Helix

I still need help on this little problome. I just can’t move forward untill I figer it out. Here is a link to the original post.

Lullaby for Helix.

Lullaby for Helix

I am showing a more sensitive side of sora. Remembering a time when she would crawl into bed with her parents after a bad dream. This is as rough as it gets. I literally just wrote this only minutes ago.

  Walking to my room my anticipation starts to bubble over. Jessie will meet me in my room. It was my father‘s and mother’s room. I can remember going into their room at night after having a bad dream. My surroundings dark and daunting. I felt like the shadows would reach out and grab me. Pull me away to some far away evil place. I would stand in the door way silently watching them sleep. My father would wake up and motion for me to come over. Climbing into bed with them felt worm and safe. Like nothing could hurt me. I would snuggle in between them. The soft blanket soothing as my father would sing me a lullaby.
  The moon is high
  the stars how they shine
  on this perfect clear night
  The new world awaits
  tomorrow a brand new day
  Now close your eyes
  imagine outside
  the moon so full
  not a shadow in site
  close your eyes
  on this perfect clear night                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           the moon so full and high

I would fall asleep instantly every time. I find it comforting to sleep in their room. To snuggle up with their blanket. I feel like they are there with me, holding me. If I can’t fall asleep I sing my lullaby. He wrote that just for me, when I was only two months old. My father spent a lot of time out side, it was his way of telling me what he could see.

So any thoughts?

First draft “Taking over Helix”

In this snippet Sora my heroine is swearing her oath to Helix. Taking her place as leader Sora has to accept this position from her murderous uncle Cerny. This piece is a little rough,  a first draft. I spent a lot of time making a brand new first chapter to replace the all tell and no show first chapter I did have. After that of course I needed to redo the rest I had already written. Yes my grammar is a little off, but there is a real gem underneath the rough rock surrounding my book.

“Ma’am, it’s time. Everyone is assembled and awaiting your arrival.”

Jessie and I walk toward the meeting hall. It tickles when she suddenly grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. I have bin waiting for this moment for a long time, but that doesn’t make me any less nervous. I take a deep breath hoping to calm my nerves.

“Are you ready ma’am?” The guard is waiting for my response.

“You will do just fine Sora. If you get to nervous just look at me, and remember why you are hear.” Jessie will always be my rock. She knows just what to say.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t wearing this dress. I would be more comfortable in my own clothes.” Tradition is tradition though, and it’s time for me to go in.

“Okay, open the doors.”

I take one last deep breath, hoping I don’t look as nervous as I feel.  Walking through the crowd, down the path made for me, every person in the room is staring. I feel as if they all know something I don’t and they’re waiting for me to figure it out. I smile, nod and wave as I go to take my place in front of the council.

My uncle walks up to stand in front of me. He holds out the Helix rule book created by our first leader. Placing my hand on the cover I can feel every little crack and crevice in the old leather.

“Sora do you swear to follow and uphold our rules set forth by your ancestors? To unselfishly put the lives of your people before your own, until you have drawn your last breath. To rule your people with kindness, understanding, and strength till you can no longer do so.”

I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head, as he struggles to keep a strait face. His face twitching, I am the only one close enough to see.

“I swear it.” And I actually mean it, unlike you.

He steps forward to address the crowd. “It is my pleasure to finally see my niece take her place as head of Helix. I was blessed to watch her grow into the strong young woman that stands before you today. I know if her parents could have been here, they would be proud of her. I only hope that my being here by her side is comforting. I think I’ll stop now before I start sounding like a blubbering old fool. Sora.”

I just want to scream at him and tell them all what a liar he is. Its a struggle to keep my composure as I step up to speak.

“Thank you, uncle Cerny.” I freeze as I look at all the faces out there. That’s when I notice in the shadows of the corner of the room, a man. I can’t quite make out his face. I wonder if he is one of my uncle’s men, I cant tell from here.

“Sorry. I have looked forward to this moment for a long time. My father meant everything to me as I know he did to many of you. He was a good wise man and strong leader. He was always willing to help those in need, Be them mutant or human. I wont to be that to all of you. Not only your leader but your friend. I want you to feel comfortable coming to me, no mater what your concerns may be. I can only hope I do my father’s memory proud, that I do all of you proud. Helix has always been important to me, every member like family. Especially after my father’s death when many of you were there for me and my mother, and for me after her passing.”   I fight back tears, but have to wipe my eyes. Those who knew my parents well, bow their heads in sorrow.

“We must stand together now, not as mutants, not as members of Helix, but as family. We are the future of this world, and together I believe we can save it from destruction once again. We have less then a year until the prophesied war. I know there are some who are skeptical and unsure of my ability to lead. I know this may be in part because I am the first woman to lead in the history of Helix, and I have not trained with any of you. I would like to give a demonstration, at the council’s convenience of course. Allow me the chance to show you I am strong enough, that I’m ready to lead our people into the new world and into battle.”

Their response was more than I expected. Every person in the room applauding, cheering for me. Even the stranger in the corner claps his hands, a glint of a smile on his face. My uncle remains silent, glaring at me with as much anger he can muster. His face reddens with the strain to keep control. I step down from the platform. Those who knew my parents well are the first to shake my hand and congratulate me. My mind is elsewhere, far from here. The only thing I want now is to deal with my uncle.

Rewrite and Rewright again

I have bin working hard on my book Helix, rewriting and rewriting again. I redid my first chapter, which had no dialog at all. The rewrite terned out well and its better, only its still all explanatory. Before I have finished with the rewrite of my first chapter keeping  with the theme I started with, telling the reader what happened to get the story to this point i.e. the war, I decided to take some of the advice I was given and write the first chapter with dialog and show instead of tell. At this point I am happy with this rewrite, I have changed some major parts of my book, but in doing so I have added so much as well. I have conflict where before there was none, the new first chapter just works better then the old one. I want to share part of that rewrite with you, so here it goes:

“Ready?” Jessie whispers even softer then I had.

“Lets go.” we walk in his direction. He can see us coming, looking right at me he smiles and raps his hand around one of the girl’s neck. I sent out a pulse of energy as a warning and he tightened his grip. Picking up my pace I slip behind him one arm around his throat and my legs constricting his chest. I’m lighter therefore faster, and flexible two.   I take my right hand and place it on his face, I start to tern up the heat. “You want to tell me what you think you are doing. Let go of the girl.” I don’t play games.

“Do you know what you are doing, you aren’t commander yet, maybe never will be.” I make my grip a little tighter and he lets go of the girl, I won’t let go yet though.

“So you think you can threaten me. You don’t stand a chance against me.” His skin is turning red under my hand, soon I will burn his flesh to the point of scaring, right now it’s only like a sun burn.

“There will be a time for that my beautiful and deadly woman.” He said with such lust in is voice, a chill ran down my spine in disgust.   Removing my hand I flip off of his back with my hands on his shoulders to stand in front of him.

“I suggest you and you’re scum lackeys go back to master and leave the humans alone.”

“Yes of course, but one day sexy you and I will see who is stronger.” They walk away, the girls are long gone by this point. That Rex is disgusting and a pig, He hates humans. I can’t stand to be around him, and I swear he picks some of these fights with me. I have never done a thing to make him think I feel any thing but contempt for him, still he thinks we have some kind of chemistry.

About Helix-war of 3031

My book Helix-War of 3031 (te name may change) is in the beginning stage. My heroine Sora, All she wants is to run Helix in a way that would make her father proud, and be ready when the war comes. She has to save humanity, and the advanced humans she calls her people. Her father was a strong, wise, and loving man to say the least. Her uncle murdered him in front of her without knowing, her mother killed her self after that, leaving her uncle to care for her when she was 11 years old. She wants to kill her uncle for what he did, but he is the last living family she has left.  She takes over Helix on here 19th birthday as her father wished, but no one believes she can do the job. She was kept from training in Helix, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t train, now she has to show them that. She has to finally let someone know who she really is, the parts of her she hides will be her greatest strength when she embraces them. lucky for her the right person just came into her life. With new knowledge of her past, the possibility of strong allies, and a new found love. Can she find the true potential she holds, can she become the hero her father new she could be. Can she save her people and the humans from the destruction her father prophesied?

I have only just started, But I am having fun writing it. after a good critique of my first two chapters I have more confidence in my ability to write a book. Some of it needs to change because its not quit right, but the rest it very good. I would like to share a bit of my first chapter (first draft) with you.

                            chapter one

My name is Sora, I was born the day the doors opened.
So my birthday goes unnoticed every year, which is 
fine with me. I never have understood birthday 
celebrations, it's only the passing of another year. 
Besides age is nothing but a number, its what is 
in your heart and mind. You can be 45 and still 
be just like a child. How you carry yourself, 
the way you think, the path in life you choose, 
everything you say and do, we are our actions 
not our age. Like my dear uncle Rasputin, he 
throws fits like a child. This year I turn 
nineteen, no mater what happens I know I 
have a job to do. Take my father's place 
and lead our kind into battle for the future
of all. Most start there training when 
finished with school, but my uncle has kept
me away from it all “for the memory of your 
father” he keeps saying. So when I take over 
I'll only have a short time to train with the
others. None of them think I can do the job, 
mainly because I've never trained with them. 
What not a single one of them knows is, I 
have a special place no one else knows about, 
my very own oasis I spend all my spare time in, 
thinking and training.
 This week is the festival that is thrown every
year in celebration of the day the door opened, 
the day our thousand year imprisonment underground
ended. Let me explain how we got here, how the human 
race ran deep in the earth from our own mistakes, 
from the destruction we knew we would do. How human 
kind changed on the genetic level, and why we now 
have yet another war coming. Can human kind live 
without war or violence? Will we ever find peace
and happiness, or one day destroy everyone and
everything on this planet. We almost did over
a thousand years ago, why not again. I intend to
make sure it never happens.