Tag Archives: critique

A New Home For Celestria

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Boy I don’t write enough on here, but with all my projects I can’t seem to find the time for everything. So what do I do, I rotate them all. Now when my last laptop broke down I lost some of my novel Helix, I guess  I had lost some of my momentum do to that. Then I got another e-mail from Glimmer Train Press about there latest writing contest. The contest is long over now, and no I didn’t submit a short story like I wanted to. I found out about it kind of late because I didn’t always have a computer to use. I started working on a short story for the contest, finally inspired to write again. I started writing it by hand, after writing about three or four pages I was unhappy and rewrote it. It got to be about a week before the deadline, and I realized I couldn’t finish it in time and be happy with the end result. That is when I decided to just write it and put it out there. Now it seems it will be a novella, not a short story. Now I have a new laptop and I am transcribing what I have so far onto the computer, tweaking it as I go. So I thought I would post part one and see what you all think. It has been a long time seance I posted some of my work, so I’m happy I can today.

I haven’t had anyone edit it yet, so here we go.

A New World for Celestria

“ I love you. Be brave my child.” An old gray woman said from the corner of the room, coughing hard as she looked on.

“ I love you too grandma, goodbye. Please don’t cry for me.” A young girl said with tears streaming down her face.

The girl blew her grandmother a kiss before beginning to recite an enchant spell of transportation. She sat in the center of a large cercal, the edge marked with the four elements.  A vile of water taken from the last lake before it dried up, pure and untainted. A potted plant with three frail yellow flowers. A small candle of black wax, burning bright in the dark room. A jar of unpolluted air, the cork sealed with crimson wax. The girl representing the fifth element, spirit.

Her words rise into the air, her vice filling the room. The vile of water began to bubble and rise, popping the lid. Small beads of water float out all around her, spinning and bouncing off each other. The flowers petals drifted through the air, gently resting on her flesh. One by one they lining her arms and legs, her spine and collarbone, the last placing it’s self upon her forehead. The soil from the pot pored out moving across the floor, twisting and weaving into an intricate design, branches curving around to meet roots, creating the tree of life. Little flames danced off the stark black candle, swaying back and forth as they fill the edge of the circle. The jar of air started to bounce and bob until the wax sealed cork burst off, the fresh air rushing around her, lifting her hair as she breathed it in deeply. A glowing light emanated from her as she started the end of her spell, it spread out to fill the circle. The air turned up into the star filled night, swirling the elements around her in a vortex. A numb feeling moved out from the center of her body with every heartbeat, as the swirling magic reaches so high she can no longer see the sky. A little gleam of light caught her eye, sparkles like flakes of gold turning and twisting through the air. She looked down to her hands to see her flesh and bone disintegrating, the shining particles spin high into the vortex and disappear. A soft white light came to fill every corner of her vision.

The driving force transporting her slowed with a rhythmic pulsing. She came to a rest on the soft damp grass of an open field of wild flowers. Her body finally felt whole, but she couldn’t will it to move, or her voice to make a sound.

A loud, and deep rumbling noise came barreling towards her. Then above her she heard a man yell “Men! Over here!”

The man bent down close, brushing the hair from her face, his finger gently dragging against her skin. He spoke softly to her. “You are safe now fair maiden of magic. Rest now, we will take you to safety.”

She fell into a deep sleep, giving into the darkness that surrounded her.

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“You must get some rest your highness. It has been three days you have not left the lady’s side.” The voice of an older man came through as the dark fog began to leave her mind. His words reassuring.

“I will not leave her side, not until she wakes.” The voice from before, deep and velvety, making her feel safe.

Her eyelids felt heavy as she forced them to open, blinking her vision clear. The sun shone bright through a tall window beside her bed, blinding her momentarily. Her mouth felt dry, like her tong was mad of sand. Her body ached deep down into the bones, with a throbbing and stinging pain. Her head finally felt calm and clear.

“She wakes Amalric. Send my servant to fetch food and drink at once” His voice changed as he commanded, became deeper, harder then before.

“Ware am I?” She struggled to sit up, pain shooting through every muscle of her body.

“You are in my castle, my lady.” He smiled at her warmly. Everything about him said strength and kindness to her.

“How long have I been sleeping?” She returned his smile with her own, taking in his features.

“Three days my lady.” He said.

His eyes so gentle and kind when he spoke, green as the leaves on the tree outside her window. His hair as dark as a starless night. His face chiseled, as if made of stone, but his skin was smooth and lightly bronzed. She stared at him for a long moment, stunned by his beauty.

Neither of them noticed Amalric leaving the room.

“I have waited to ask sense I found you that day. What is your name? ” He waited with excitement.

“Celestria, Celestria Stroepa. If I may ask, what is your name?” Her insides felt as if they where jumping around as they spoke. So close to each other she could feel the warmth of his skin.

“I am Prince Alderan, of the Kingdome Abalone. Smell the salt in the air, we are atop a cliff by the sea. Celestria, my lady of the stars, I welcome you to our kingdom.” He bowed his head to her, a smile glinting on his face when he said ‘my lady’.

“Lady of the stars? I think I like that, but why do you call me that?” she asked.

“You came to us from the heavens, in a great beam of starlight. I rode out with my best men to find the source, and I found you. So I brought you back here to Amalric. He is our court physician, and miner sorcerer.” He handed her a cup, a foul smelling liquid sloshing around inside. “Go ahead. Amalric said it would help with your pain, and getting you back on your feet sooner.”

She tried not to smell it as she gulped it down, but the smell was nothing compared to the taste, making her stomach heave as she forced it to hold on to it contents.

A servant boy of maybe sixteen years knocked on the doorframe. The prince waved the boy in, behind him entered three bigger men carrying a large round table, and two carved chairs. The boy set the table with several silver plates of food, colorful fruits overflowed one plate, flakey breads and creamy cheeses, meats and eggs. The boy placed two empty plates and goblets on the table, a pitcher of something sweet smelling between them.

“Shall I serve your highness?” He asked in a meek tone.

“You may go. Set out my formal dress.”  He waved the four of them away, and they where alone once more.

He turned to her, his hand outstretched to help her out of her cot. “You must be famished.” He said as he led her to the table, pulling out her chair for her.

He pored some of the sweet smelling drink for the two of them, and sat beside her. The prince watched her as she ran her fingers over the table top, tracing the lines  carved by hand in its dark wood.

Celestria recognized the never ending loops and twists of the Tree of Life carved in the table’s top. She glanced up at the prince, to embarrassed to hold her gaze when she noticed he was watching her. She shifted in her seat a little, she looked at the food before her, food she had never seen in real life.

“What is wrong Celestria? Do you not like the meal? I can send someone to fetch you anything you desire.” He said with a hint of disappointment in his voice.

“No, not at all Prince Alderan. Please forgive me. I come from a very different place from this. I am stunned by the beauty of it all, taken back by the differences of our worlds. It makes the life I left behind seem even worse then it had before. I never knew my world in a time of green like this, nor did my grandmother, or her grandmother. All of this is wonderful, thank you Prince Alderan.”  She said with a sheepish grin.

She bowed her head and her cheeks grew worm and flushed red. The prince lifted her gaze to meat his own.

He spoke softly, like the first time she heard his voice. “You, my lady of the stars, can call me Alderan. You my lady are my equal, perhaps even my superior.”

She clasped his hand beneath her chin, sending shivers down his spine. His hole body tingled, as if he had been waiting his hole life to feel her touch. He bent down and gently kissed her hand, caressing it with his lips gently. The prince moved closer to her, still holding her hand he looked deep into her eyes. He couldn’t tear himself away from her sky blue eyes, streaked with violet. It was like seeing the sky meat a field of violet, mixing into purity. Her cream colored skin, soft as silk to his touch. Her black spiral curls falling down around her, glinting with a hint of purple in the sunlight, spiraling down to reach the small of her back. Alderan wanted nothing more then to kiss her lips, lips like the deepest red rose in their garden. He leaned in hoping she wanted the same.

Amalric entered and cleared his throat. “I am terribly sorry to interrupt highness. My lady, you are looking well now. You should eat some, you have lost your strength. King Galvarium has requested you join him in the main hall. When you have eaten and dressed your servant will lead you there. You and I should speak at a later time.” His eyes held  great wisdom. He looked to her like a short little gray man, but she could feel his magic, a caring and healing nature to his sole.

A petite young woman walked in behind him. She bowed to the prince and then to Celestria. More servants walked in behind her, they carried several dresses of different colors and fabrics. Jars of varying sizes containing powders and creams, lotions and oils.

“I am Elinor, my lady. As soon as you are ready I can prepare you for your meeting with the king.” She bowed again to the two of them, and went about her work.

Celestria watched as the girl hurried around the room. She hung the dresses in a row along the wall. She filled a small table with the jars, and brushes made of soft hair in different sizes.

Celestria went back to eating her meal, glancing back at the prince wondering, ‘ why hasn’t he said anything about my strange behavior? My manner of speaking and actions must seem strange to them.’

Celestria stood, feeling more like her self. No, more then she had been before. She whispered to no one but the air. “Everything is so elegant in this time, so bright and full of life. How can I hope to fit in when I come from such a dark world?”

Not once had the prince taken his eyes from her. He watched every graceful movement, listened to every songlike syllable her voice made. “My dear, lovely lady of the stars, you are the most beautiful and magical being in my kingdom. With all my heart I hope for your happiness here. I must take my leave my lady. I will make arrangements for your own chambers before joining you and my father in the great hall.”

He kissed her hand, lingering just a moment. He bowed and turned, walking out with swift, smooth steps. Celestria watched him as he left, her heart skipping a beat when Alderan looked back at her before passing through the door.

The girl’s voice chimed behind her, a little two high pitched. “My lady, your garments are prepared.”

“Thanx. Elinor is your name right?” Celestria felt silly when the girl gave her a funny little look. “I am sorry, I meant thank you. We speak a little differently then you do.”

“If I may ask my lady. What do you mean we, where do you hail from?” She asked sheepishly, cowering.

Celestria gave the girl a kind smile, and brushed the girl’s bangs out of her face. “I’m not going to heart you.” Celestria walked over to the ornate dressing screen, considering how much to tell the girl, or anyone for that matter. “For now lets just say I come from a very different place then this. A place I can never get back to. I’m sorry I can’t say more, but I’m not sure what’s going on yet, or what the king wants from me. I hope you can understand.”

“I do understand my lady. Besides I am only a servant, I have no place to ask.” The girl said, starring at the floor.

Celestria wanted to tell her she was fine with her, but she wasn’t sure how long she would be there. When she learned more she could talk with the girl then. Something had scared this girl down to her core.

Celestria gave the girl a big smile, and went back to the dresses hanging in front of her. Bright colored fabrics she had never seen, fabrics that seemed to shimmer and sparkle in the light. One in particular caught her eye. A ruby red corset embroidered with burgundy flowers and swirling vines. The sleeves a fabric she could see through, hanging off the shoulder, flowing and wide at the bottom like a flower rapped around the arm. The skirt of the dress was made of deep red silk, embroidery matching the corset hemming the bottom. The thought of wearing such a beautiful color for the first time filled her with excitement. Celestria admired it a moment longer before taking it down, and heading for the dressing screen.

“Elinor, Would you give me a hand? I’m not sure how to close the back.” She said a little embarrassed.

“Yes my lady. These garments are meant to be laced by another, like me my lady.” Elinor said.

Elinor weaved the back of the corset with a burgundy cord effortlessly. Elinor adjusted the sleaves, tugging softly at the top. She knelt down, inspecting the bottom of the skirt.  She pulled and turned and fluffed the layers of Celestria’s dress.

“Perfect, now we can do your hair my lady. How would you like it done?” Elinor asked as she had Celestria sit down at the table.

A knock came at the door. Elinor walked over and opened it to find the prince’s servant. He held in his hands a carved box of wood, glinting metal adorned the corners.

“My lady” He bowed. “The prince has sent you a welcoming gift.” He placed the box on the table in front of Celestria. He stepped back bowing to her again and left without another word.

Celestria ran her fingers along the top of the box, tracing vines full of flowers.

Today I Write for ME

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So lately I have been trying to add more of my own personal content, it was suggested to me a while back, instead of posts about other writers or artist. My life has been a little crazy recently to say the least. For over two months I was unable to work on my novel at all. My lap top even broke down for about a month, drove me nuts. I am the kind of person that if I am not creating something new out of thin air I go a little bonkers. I have also discovered that the more stressed I am the more creatively blocked I become.

Coming to that realization I have stopped stressing about my novel. I am writing this for me, not for any one else. Yes it would be nice to sell my novel, and I do have an interested publisher (online publisher),  but if its never sold that’s OK. I have been told a first novel is rarely published, so I write this for me either way.

When I came home from my first writer’s group I was energised. It was so nice to sit and talk with another writer, to share our writing experiences, and discuss our trouble coming into the writing world. So after everything I have learned over the two months I didn’t write, and the support from my group I feel ready, prepared to get back on the horse and get to writing. I was even reading through my first draft looking at it with new more knowledgeable eyes seeing where I could change and improve my manuscript.

So here I go to write, excited at the possibilities of implementing my new found knowledge.

Happy writing

Starting A Writers Group

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When I first decided I was ready to write a book it was suggested to me that I join a locale writers group. At the time I only found one, and it wasn’t for me. I can’t remember what style they wrote in, but it had to be that one, but I don’t write in their style. So I settled for online groups, but it’s not personal. Yes I got some good advice, and took heed of what most told me. However I also got comments that told me I should not post a thing because I wasn’t experienced enough, my work unpolished. Reading comments like that made me think ‘But How am I supposed to learn from this if all you have to say is I need to learn more before posting. How do I improve without critiques?’. So I recently decided to start my own group in my area, and open to writers of all forms. So I posted an ad on Craigslist. As of now including me there are three members. Our first meeting is Sunday June 2nd at Barnes and Noble in Webster, NY 7PM. I am  proud of my self for taking this step, for putting my self out there and starting this group. I don’t have a name for it, I don’t have a set meeting schedule, and we are few in number, but it is started. I have taken another step forward, a step closer to my dreams. Even if my group stays small, if it fails, or we gain more members, no matter what I know I tried my hardest. I can be proud in the fact that I did my best.

I want to invite all writers in my area to join us.

Barnes & Noble in Webster NY

Sunday June 2nd at 7PM

Every writer needs constructive feedback. I chance to learn what areas they are strong and weak in. The opportunity to converse with other writers. Find their voice. become a better writer.

I have read many blogs, books, and posts in online writers groups. But nothing can beat that personal connection. I look forward to my first meeting with great excitement.

Growing in Writing and Blogging

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I started writing my novel about four months ago, my blog about 3 months. In this short time I have grown immensely, learned a lot, meant new people who have helped me become better at writing and blogging. I thank you all for helping me grow on this path, to take the right steps, and encoring me. Recently I was nominated for The Kreativ Blogger award by another blogger. I haven’t gotten it, but the fact that another blogger nominated me, and so many told me I really deserved it (even bloggers that had never been to my page, but now follow me). It is encouraging and inspiring to me. If you had asked me six months ago “Would you ever blog?” I would have said “No way, I can’t do that. I’m not good enough for that, I don’t even have the skills.” But here I am blogging away.

My journey to becoming a write has not exactly been an easy one, but I knew it wouldn’t be. Going into this I knew I had a lot to learn, to discover, and that I would grow. I have come much further then I though I would in just four months. When I started my first chapter was an information dump, I thought the reader needed to know what I wrote down and needed it fast so I could get to the real story. Not that it was bad, just the wrong approach. I was wrong, plain and simple. After some very good advice I completely scraped the chapter and started my novel from the begining. Every time I learned something new I went back and made changes, making my work that much better. In tern this knowledge I gained in writing changed the way I blogged, I would say even the way I think a bit as well. So in just four months through online searches, online writers groups, and my blog I have become a different person in a seance, a different writer. I am not a conceded person, but I am proud of my self, of my progress in such a limited time. I know there is more out there for me to discover, learn, and adapt, when you stop learning you have stopped completely. My point being, there is always something out there to encounter, a new way of thinking, of doing, of growing. There is no limit to personal growth, take advantage of the immense amount of information out there, the connections that can be made.

To further share what I have learned I would like to share part of my new first chapter. I have spent a lot of time going over it again and again, but I still have three more chapters to fix with my new found knowledge.

An excerpt from chapter one of Helix (The war begins):

“You are right Jessie, as usual. What do you want to do when this joke is over?” Just as I say the words I am interrupted by something familiar feeling. A rough and hard signature, like its owner. “Jessie, it’s Rex.”

“I could tell by that look. Where is he?” Jessie asked me as she spins around to see if he is near. But I haven’t pinpointed him yet.

In silence and darkness I search for him. Rex is a trouble maker. A bully using his powers to pick on normal people and weaker mutants. He and I don’t get along very well to say the least. He wants me to be with him, but I don’t get it. Rex is one of my uncle‘s pets, but he has trouble controlling him. He is definitely my uncle’s most powerful and unpredictable fighter.

“I found him, He is about seventy feet back and to the left of me. Give or take… In between two buildings I think… There are two other guys with him, and two girls… The girls are human Jessie. We have to stop him.” Close to her ear, as quiet as I can I whisper all this. No need to alarm any one when I can handle it quietly. Rex really should know better by now though.

“Ready?” Jessie whispers so softly I didn’t even hear her, but her lips said it for her.

“Lets go.” we walk slowly in his direction. The closer I get to him the stronger his signal. Turning the corner he can see us coming down the darkened ally way. My hands glowing hot with anger. His palms are pressed flat on the building in front of him, trapping one of the human girls. The other two are shoving the petite one back and forth, taking terns groping her body. Her clothing tares as she struggles against them. Rex looks right at me, locking his eyes to mine. A smile slowly spreads on his face as he raps one hand around the girl’s neck. I push a wave of energy in there direction, but he ignores my warning. The other two freeze and the girl stumbles back from her attackers. She just stands there awkwardly waiting for her friend. Watching with tears in her eyes. Rex squeezes tighter on the teen’s fragile flesh, his smile growing ever wider. Pounding my feet against the pavement gaining momentum I land on his back with a jolting thud.

The flesh of his chest gives and then hardens resisting the press of my legs. His skin is rough against my arm, scraping on its way around his neck, pulling his head back. I slide my right hand on to his face, letting the heat flow from every pore of my palm. Struggling to control the heat of my body, concentrating on just that one point.

“You want to tell me what you think you are doing. Let go of the girl.”

“Do you know what you are doing, you aren’t commander yet. Maybe you never will be.”

I jerk my arm that’s rapped tightly around his neck, with little effect. His rock hard exterior won’t give to my feminine stature. My blazing core pores out my body, heat rising from every inch of skin. Slowly he lets go of the girl. I won’t let go of him just yet, I’m not through with him.

“So you think you can threaten me. You don’t stand a chance against me. Now answer. what gives you the right to pick on humans?” His skin is turning red under my hot flesh. His muscles tense, jaw locking in his cry of pain.

The heat in my body is pulsing, wavering. I can’t keep it up much longer. Fire is one of the harder powers to control, it’s different for each individual. Now that I can manifest it I can learn to control it. But that’s not helping me now. “There will be a time for this my beautiful and deadly woman, but today is not the day.” He said with such lust in is voice, a chill ran down my spine in disgust.

I propel my self off his back to stand in front of him. To close, close enough to smell his rancid breath. “I suggest you and you’re scum lackeys go back to you’re master and leave the humans alone.”

“One day sexy, you and I will see who is stronger. When that day comes you will change your mind and be with me.” I barley have time to move as he leans in to kiss me.

Planting his face in the cement wall clutching a handful of his long greasy black hair, I whisper in his ear. “Don’t think for one moment you can touch me in passion. The only way you will feel my skin is as I burn yours. I will never love you.”

I toss his head as I release him. His nose drips red from the force of my blow. Yet lust covers his face, eyes aflame with passion. As much as I hate the thought I would rather have him lust after me then want to kill me. Even if my uncle where to order him to, I don’t think he would have the hart.

The girls are long gone by this point. I saunter in Jessie’s direction, snatching up my bag I dropped when I bounded toward Rex. He is still just standing there, blood dripping to the ground. His lackeys shake as they reach to help him. The air cracks with his fist and they fall. He watches me leave in silence.

“Always impressive Sora. I can’t believe you can move like that, you have been training very hard. After you give a demonstration for the council your position will be written in stone. Not even your uncle will be able to sway there minds. Are you sure Rex hasn’t told him of your strengths?” she gives me a uneasy smile, she fears for me, for my plans.

“He may have, but I don’t think so. My uncle hasn’t shown any sines of knowing. Rex wants me for himself, he wouldn’t jeopardize his courting me for even my uncle. It plays in our favor. After tomorrow it won’t mater any way.” Stuffing my hands in my pockets we walk out of the narrow space. My skin still cooling.

It was once told that a war would come lead by a man of grate strength and evil, he will seek to destroy all humans and any mutants that dare appose him. He would spread his evil over the new world. As commander it will be me standing in his way, as soon as we find out the who, and when part. This grate evil could be Rex, but there are several other people in Helix that it could be, not to mention all the other colonies. But for now my training must continue, I have to get stronger.

 

Cutting Down

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I have said before that I try to do to much. For the first time I have to do something, make a choice. After talking to my older brother I know what I now have to do, even though I don’t want to.  I have to  post less on my blog. I spend so much time  researching my blog posts I have no time to write, to read, to do things I need to do for my son’s after school activities, and all the little things that go with being a mom of three young boys. I guess that is why most writers either don’t have kids or wait until they get older. So, what do I plan to do? I plan to free up my time by blogging less. I love blogging every day, or almost every day, but kids take up a lot of time and I do still need to work on  my novel. So I will go back to doing an artist of the week, and my segments will run for 1-2 months. I apologies to all my readers, I will post again on Friday so I can do a great post for you all. Thank you all for reading and liking my posts.

I beg on my knees, need comments!

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I put this post up yesterday http://artfulhelix.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/shale-my-mined-explode-now-helix/ I got likes, but no comments yet. But I want to know if I am going in the right direction with this book. So Please if you have the time go and read my first chapter and tell me what you think of it. I have been getting rather discouraged lately. I need to know what real readers think! Thank you for your time.

Shall my brain explode now Helix?

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   So today, before I do my artist of the day, I thought I would share some thoughts and concerns on my own writing. To say the least the last four months have been a learning experience, a long rode with corners you don’t see until they are right smack in your face. So what have I done about them, learned from them, its all I can do. I have been stuck on the same flippen prologue and first four chapters of my novel. Every time I learn something new, or get told on one of the writer forums I joined hey “you suck” in more words, I go back and rewrite and rewrite again. Don’t get me wrong, there are many who praise my ability, one who is accomplished but in a different category then I write (she shale remain nameless for respect) said I have a natural talent. I knew there was a lot for me to discover when I dived into the deep head first, eyes closed. I am no fool, I know not every person who reads what I have to offer will fall in love (Is it to much to ask people have manners though). I have had people who have never been published tell me my work is crap and I shouldn’t post a thing until I know what I am doing, this of course was around two months ago give or take. Granted I have learned even more since then, thanks to naysayers telling me I can’t be a writer I get more determined to prove them wrong, its part of who I am. I started writing poetry in elementary school, making comics in middle, and by the time I was 16 wanted to write my first novel. My attentions laid elsewhere so it was put on a back burner keeping worm until the day would come. My life is full, I have three boys, the oldest is 8 and can do most things on his own, but my younger two are only almost three and almost two (yes only one year and one week apart to the day). I am not complaining only stating a simple fact, they take a lot of time and care, leaving little time for my self. But I couldn’t wait any longer to begin writing, the smell’s constant wafting at my brain proved to enticing. I am a passionate person, mostly about my family and art. Writing is art, to paint a world with words is a beautiful thing. I take it just as passionately as I do my actual painting (though I have little time for that, and stopped for 5 years) I never stopped loving it. So now I take a risk, I loose my self in life some times and don’t write for days on end, but it never stops terning in my mind. So with all this I set my self to improve, to tune out those who would put me down, and focus on what I know to be truth. What else am I to do but continue on the path I have chosen with glee. I love writing, seeing my characters and style develop as I improve. I have rewritten my prologue and first chapter for the last time until my first draft is done. rewriting so much I feel as if my wheels have been spinning but I never move.

 

Today I will share the rewrite of my first chapter.  Please as my readers be honest with me. Tell me what you think, rather you love it or hate it, or something in between. Honesty and being polite is all I ever ask. I have only been doing this for four months so I know there is more for me to learn, and that’s ok, I will fix when I finish the first draft and I know more, that is all I can do at this point without going mad.

 

Helix

Chapter one

   My name is Sora, I was born the day the doors opened. My birthday goes unnoticed every year except by one person, my best friend Jessie. Which is fine with me. This year I turn 18, no matter what happens I know I have a job to do. Take my father’s place and lead our kind into battle for the future of all. My uncle has kept my position until now, but he will pay for his crimes.

   I feel a light tap on my shoulder, spinning around to see who it is. Its Jessie. She raps her arms around my waist. I rest my chin on her head, her hair tickling my neck. She knows I’m in a bad mood. Jessie is a healer, a empath.

   She could read me like an open book even if she wasn’t an empath. “Whats wrong? Tomorrow is a happy day. You should be smiling.”

   “I’m thinking about tomorrow. I will be 18 finally I’ll be taking over Helix from my uncle. It should have been my father, and not so soon.”

   My stomach terns as music starts to ring through the crowd, and the leader of our ‘fine’ city begins his speech. This week is the festival that is thrown every year in celebration of the day the door opened, the day our thousand year imprisonment underground ended. The day I was born. Tomorrow is the start of the celebrations. For one week the humans and the mutants will get along a little better, the crime rate will lower a little bit, and people will be seemingly happy. But at the end of the week when all the brightly colored decorations come down, and the shops prices go back up, everything and everyone will go back to normal. The hole thing is like a week long bandage that gets ripped off just to find the wound is festering underneath.

   Most humans and mutants don’t get along. The humans feel like we mutants are unnatural. Like we aren’t meant to exist. Its bin speculated that somehow radiation seeped into the colony and contaminated the bloodlines, but no one really knows why we are this way. Mutants and humans alike have died because of harbored hatred. Its one of the reasons why my grate, grate, grate grandfather created Helix. To try and bring some order to the mutants, rules for us all to live by. Very little has changed, but I hope to find a way to bring us all together. Little separates us, if I can make them see that then things could start to get better. I know it will take time, but there are others on both sides willing to help me make it a reality.

   Washington city square is packed. We call it that because Washington is the name on the door, the only word at all on the door, now worn and barley readable. The door was everything for a long time to the people of this city. I have been told it shook the hole colony when the door finale opened. Letting out this loud wine as if the door felt pain as it unlocked and opened. A long winding and broken down staircase lead to the surface. They worked there way up reappearing it as they went. It took months to get to the top, and even then they had to chip away at the packed soil that covered the opening to the outside world. One of the few times humans and mutants worked together for a common goal.

   Jessie and I are siting on the statue in the middle of the square, surrounded by humans and mutants alike. My attenuation drifts as my eyes do, over to the words carved on the base of the statue. Worn and barely visible they read “with hard work and hope in our hearts we will make it through the darkness to the light.” In smaller letters there is something written below it, unreadable words that no longer have meaning. The statue is cracked and worn, small chunks missing, patches cover its once smooth and polished surface. The statue stands tall in the shape of a willow tree. Sleeping beneath its branches is a family and their two pets. The children’s pail little faces hold no emotion, not even a glimmer of life. The cat is curled up on the little girls lap, her hand gently laid on it’s back, comforting the girl in her never ending sleep. The dog is at his masters feet. His head up and ears perked, like he is waiting for something coming out of the shadows. Almost like he could see what the future held for his family. The mother and father hold there children tight as they gaze into each others eyes. There expressions frightened and somber. A small tear trickling down the mother’s cheek forever frozen in time. Is it for the uncertain life ahead? Knowing they would never see the sun, or have wind cores their skin on a spring day again. Life would hold a hole new meaning for them underground.

   Most people love the statue. “Its a cymbal of hope,” they have said. To me its like a grave marker, a reminder of how human kind drove themselves underground and shattered the world as they knew it.

   “You have that look in your eyes again. The one where you drift of into space.” Jessie whispers, bringing me back to the here and now.

   “Sorry Jessie.” she knows everything, I never need to explain my self around her.

   “We have time for that, lets just have a good time this week. At least tonight, tomorrow night is far enough away.”

   “You are right Jessie, as usual. What do you want to do when this joke is over?” Just as I say the words I am interrupted by something familiar feeling. A rough and hard signature, like its owner. “Jessie, it’s Rex.”

   “I could tell by that look. Where is he?” Jessie asked me as she spins around to see if he is near. But I haven’t pinpointed him yet.

   In silence and darkness I search for him. Rex is a trouble maker. A bully using his powers to pick on normal people and weaker mutants. He and I don’t get along very well to say the least. He wants me to be with him, but I don’t get it. Rex is one of my uncle’s pets, but he has trouble controlling him. He is definitely my uncle’s most powerful and unpredictable fighter.

   “I found him, He is about seventy feet back and to the left of me. Give or take… In between two buildings I think… There are two other guys with him, and two girls… The girls are human Jessie. We have to stop him.” Close to her ear, as quiet as I can I whisper all this. No need to alarm any one when I can handle it quietly. Rex really should know better by now though.

   “Ready?” Jessie whispers so softly I didn’t even hear her, but her lips said it for her.

   “Lets go.” we walk slowly in his direction. The closer I get to him the stronger his signal. Turning the corner he can see us coming down the darkened ally way. My hands glowing hot with anger. His palms are pressed flat on the building in front of him, trapping one of the human girls. The other two are shoving the petite one back and forth, taking terns groping her body. Her clothing tares as she struggles against them. Rex looks right at me, locking his eyes to mine. A smile slowly spreads on his face as he raps one hand around the girl’s neck. I push a wave of energy in there direction, but he ignores my warning. The other two freeze and the girl stumbles back from her attackers. She just stands there awkwardly waiting for her friend. Watching with tears in her eyes. Rex squeezes tighter on the teen’s fragile flesh, his smile growing ever wider. Pounding my feet against the pavement gaining momentum I land on his back with a jolting thud.

   The flesh of his chest gives and then hardens resisting the press of my legs. His skin is rough against my arm, scraping on its way around his neck, pulling his head back. I slide my right hand on to his face, letting the heat flow from every pore of my palm. Struggling to control the heat of my body, concentrating on just that one point.

   “You want to tell me what you think you are doing. Let go of the girl.”

   “Do you know what you are doing, you aren’t commander yet. Maybe you never will be.”

   I jerk my arm that’s rapped tightly around his neck, with little effect. His rock hard exterior won’t give to my feminine stature. My blazing core pores out my body, heat rising from every inch of skin. Slowly he lets go of the girl. I won’t let go of him just yet, I’m not through with him.

   “So you think you can threaten me. You don’t stand a chance against me. Now answer. what gives you the right to pick on humans?” His skin is turning red under my hot flesh. His muscles tense, jaw locking in his cry of pain.

   The heat in my body is pulsing, wavering. I can’t keep it up much longer. Fire is one of the harder powers to control, it’s different for each individual. Now that I can manifest it I can learn to control it. But that’s not helping me now.

   “There will be a time for this my beautiful and deadly woman, but today is not the day.” He said with such lust in is voice, a chill ran down my spine in disgust.

   I propel my self off his back to stand in front of him. To close, close enough to smell his rancid breath. “I suggest you and you’re scum lackeys go back to you’re master and leave the humans alone.”

   “One day sexy, you and I will see who is stronger. When that day comes you will change your mind and be with me.” I barley have time to move as he leans in to kiss me.

   Planting his face in the cement wall clutching a handful of his long greasy black hair, I whisper in his ear. “Don’t think for one moment you can touch me in passion. The only way you will feel my skin is as I burn yours. I will never love you.”

   I toss his head as I release him. His nose drips red from the force of my blow. Yet lust covers his face, eyes aflame with passion. As much as I hate the thought I would rather have him lust after me then want to kill me. Even if my uncle where to order him to, I don’t think he would have the hart.

   The girls are long gone by this point. I saunter in Jessie’s direction, snatching up my bag I dropped when I bonded toward Rex. He is still just standing there, blood dripping to the ground. His lackeys shake as they reach to help him. The air cracks with his fist and they fall. He watches me leave in silence.

   “Always impressive Sora. I can’t believe you can move like that, you have been training very hard. After you give a demonstration for the council your position will be written in stone. Not even your uncle will be able to sway there minds. Are you sure Rex hasn’t told him of your strengths?” she gives me a uneasy smile, she fears for me, for my plans.

   “He may have, but I don’t think so. My uncle hasn’t shown any sines of knowing. And Rex wants me for himself, he wouldn’t jeopardize his courting me for even my uncle. It plays in our favor. After tomorrow it won’t mater any way.” Stuffing my hands in my pockets we walk out of the narrow space. My body still cooling.

   It was once told that a war would come lead by a man of grate strength and evil, he will seek to destroy all humans and any mutants that dare appose him. He would spread his evil over the new world. As commander it will be me standing in his way, as soon as we find out the who, and when part. This grate evil could be Rex, but there are several other people in Helix that it could be, not to mention all the other colonies. But for now my training must continue, I have to get stronger.

   “I guess we will see. Still want to go and do something Jessie?”

   “Yeah. What do you have in mind?”

   “Dinner maybe.” We walk off before the gathering is over.

   As we walk I feel something strange, an energy signature I don’t recognize. Its out of place here. Someone I don’t know? But I know everyone in Helix, in one form or another. It’s gone, just like that, as quickly as it came without a trace. Could who ever it was hide their energy? No, no one has been able to do that with me. All I got was the person is strong, very strong. I will have to keep a look out.

Writing : Helpful sites

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After being told my imagery is week I did a little searching for helpful sites. Whether you write poetry, short stories, children’s books, or novels these sites can help you improve that writing. Also a site I was given that can help you improve your spelling.

 It is no secrete I can’t spell my way out of a paper bag, lol. As someone who missed a lot of school, the reasons I feel I can’t share, I missed out on the education I should have had. Now I am 24 almost 25 and still struggling with spelling. Don’t get me wrong I have improved a lot! It was hard to get to this point, but the journey continues. I have found I am not the only writer with this problem, so it is nothing to be ashamed of. I simply have to continue bettering my self, for my benefit and for my children as well.

 Later today I will post the rewrite for my prologue (Unsure whether or not I will be using it), for the rewrite I utilized these site. And so I feel I am obligated to share them with you. If I can help even one person then I will be satisfied.

 So here you go :

http://www.merriam-webster.com/

http://www.onelook.com/reverse-dictionary.shtml

http://www.spelling.hemscott.net/

And one site to help you better your web sits : Nine Website Creation Mistakes

http://outstandingsetup.com/report

How rude!

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I had joined a writers group some time ago called My Writers Circle. I had stopped going there because people there don’t seem to have any manners. It is one thing to give constructive criticism, another to be plain rude. Its like what the heck did I do for you to get such an attitude with me. Yesterday I decided to give the site one more try. I figured it couldn’t heart right. I posted my poem Stuck in my head there, witch is about writers block. This is two out of the three replies I got :

 

When I get ‘writers block’ which is hardly ever, but when I do
I just write. I write anything, even words about not being able to write, but I don’t poet them.
This comes across as no more than a mind-dump.
Very poor post.

 

Now this one is just rude. Plus writing about not being able to write is exactly what I did, but in a structure. The way he said he dose it is a mind dump if you ask me. I chose to create something out of my writer‘s block. How is this comment helpful, it only said he doesn’t like it, and that he is sapearier to me.

 He then said after a little back and forth.

I am absolutely positive that there “are people on other sites that loved it.”
You may find some here. I did not.
If you choose to stay in RMP you may want to indicate
what level of criticism you are comfortable with.

1. I found the opening lines to be weak and Telling.
2. The rest of S1 is very unoriginal and over-the-top. It lacks any inward visual that a reader might expect.
3. The first line of S2 is naively retro, romantically rhetorical and frankly dopey.
4. The rest of S2 is repetitive and platitudinous.
5. The lines in S3 are just ridiculously blah -

“How long shall I roam
unable to return home
o muse where have you gone
I beg you wont you come”

6. The last stanza is stunningly predictable and poorly expressed.

I usually don’t offer a detailed review for such poor writing, but you requested it.

Learn!

**********

 

A first draft?Pick another subject maybe? This didn’t work for me. I will see if I can dig out an old one that was my take on writer’s block.

 

Found it…………..

 

A writer’s life

 

Mont Blanc
in sweaty grip, he stares
at the empty sheet of vellum
in front of him on the cracked antique bureau
with a sigh he leans back in his Chippendale chair

 

stands up, wipes his watery eyes,
cleans his Ray Bans, slips into
his Barbour, green wellingtons,
takes the shotgun from the rack,
rubbing the polished stock he smiles
and closes the back door firmly

 

Now this one at least is a little more constructive, but still trying to tell me he is better. This peace is not clear its about writers block, it sounds more about suicide. It isn’t that its bad, simply not clear.

 

This is the poem that prompted these responses. I have posted it before but in case you haven’t read it before I figured I would add it.

I am stuck in my head

what a sad place to be

words run round and elude me

Images flash by

some real some only mine

I stomp I scream I let it all out

I wish for peace but scramble about

Where have you gone o muse of mine

am I to stay here for all time

am I to run round desperate to fly

if only you’d come lift me to the sky

if only I could catch those thought that fly by

I sit and wait hands full

I sit and wish for only you

you fill my mind

yet my hands sit idly by

How long shall I roam

unable to return home

o muse where have you gone

 I beg you wont you come

 Make my idle hands fly

 across my keyboard words wont come

still I sit and wait for you to return

 Not every line rhymes, but this is called free form poetry. That is the only site I have gotten any bad comments at all. On the other sites I posted it to I have gotten nothing but good, two spelling fixes and that they really liked it. I even posted it to http://xynobooks.com/ and got this comment from one of the admins :

 Maria, please, talk to Nick the editor about writing your thoughts on the main site–in addition to your novel aspirations.

 I did, and was then asked if I would blog along with there other writer, and before I could reply he upgraded me to an author account. I of course accepted. But here is a good question, if it was so bad Then why would they have asked me? A family friend in FL even read it to her church, and it reseaved grat aplose from the hole congrigation. So give your honest opinion. Am I over reacting, I may be just a little. But on a post about my book on the very same site I was told I had no taling and shouldn’t be writing, no ideas on how to improve just hertful words I egnored.

Here are some sites I do like for writing, you can get good constructive comments :

http://www.ladieswhocritique.com

http://xynobooks.com/

http://allpoetry.com

http://www.writing.com

http://wherewritersmeet.proboards.com/index.cgi

Rewritten lullaby

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This is the ending to chapter two for Helix. I have posted it before, but I have rewritten the lullaby and would like to hear what others think.

 Walking to my room my anticipation starts to bubble over. Jessie will meat me in my room. It was my father’s and mother’s room. I can remember going into their room at night after having a bad dream. My surroundings dark and daunting. I felt like the shadows would reach out and grab me. Pull me away to some far away evil place. I would stand in the door way silently watching them sleep. My father would wake up and motion for me to come over. Climbing into bed with them felt worm and safe. Like nothing could hurt me. I would snuggle in between them. My father always smelled like a cool breeze and flowers. He smelled like the outside world, a place I had not been to. On these nights he would sing a lullaby for me. A lullaby he wrote when I was only a few moths old.
The new world awaits
tomorrow a brand new day
but tonight I walk
with you in my thoughts
The moon hangs high
the stars how they shine
on this perfect cloudless night
Now close your eyes
imagine the outside
not a shadow in site
listen to my voice
know you are safe
one day I will take you
to see this place

I would fall asleep instantly every time. I find it comforting to sleep in their room. To snuggle up with their blanket. I feel like they are there with me, holding me. If I can’t fall asleep I sing my lullaby. He wrote that just for me, when I was only two months old. My father spent a lot of time out side, it was his way of telling me what he could see.